Dr. ABBAS 

Urge to Have Sex

Q. I have my boyfriend 21 years old and would like to know about men’s desires towards sex. What is desire and what are different desires man could have them? Secondly, what is the difference between love and lust?
Concerned Reader, Kilwa.

A. Desire is the urge to have sex. It begins in the brain. Guys have a reputation of being predators, of always feeling desire and being willing to do just about anything to appease it. While many guys fit this stereotype, there are lots who do not. Some guys are more interested in sports or academic studies than scoring with girls. For other guys the priority is to build a caring intimate relationship, and sex comes later. Others lack confidence in their sexuality or have a low level of desire, or feel shy or do not think they are attractive. There are also plenty of guys who do not want to have sex until marriage for religious or personal reasons. All of these guys end up battling other people conceptions of them. When it comes to taking action there are many guys who do not feel up to it. Taking the initiative in sexual relationships is never wracking and plenty of guys are happy when the roles reverse. Loving someone means loving the whole person sexually and romantically. You enjoy that person’s company and are interested in what they are doing and thinking and you want that person to be happy. Feeling lust for some one means feeling intense desires for his or her body. Your interest focuses on the sexual pleasure you can get from being together.

Not Satisfactory

Q. I am 24 years old and very worried that when we attempt sex it was not as much fun as I thought it would be. Can you help me? Is it some thing to do with masculinity? What should be done?
Concerned Reader, Singida.
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A. Sex is not great every time especially when you are just starting out. It can be awkward, disappointing, embarrassing, uncomfortable, painful, or just plain boring. The important thing is to not beat your self up about it and to learn from experience. The better you get at making choices that are right for you about who to be with, when and where to do it and what kind of protection to use the better sex will be. The sex will also improve if you and your partner are able to communicate your thoughts, feelings and desires to each other, may be not all of them at once, but at least a few to start. If your choices are good ones and you and your partner trust each other and communicate well, and the sex is still just so do not worry. Sex improves with practice. For most guys bad sex means one of the three things: ejaculating too soon, not being able to get an erection, or getting an erection but not able to keep it. There are reasons these things happen, and they have nothing to do with your masculinity. For starters, it is normal for teenagers to ejaculate soon after stimulation begins. In fact, most teens ejaculate very soon after largely because they have not had much practice at sex. If you do not expect to hold out for more than thirty seconds or a minute, you will not be disappointed. They are things you can do that will help improve your staying power.

Bisexual

Q. I am 19 years old and have feelings for both sexes. I have been doing sex with men and girls. I am confused that am I bisexual or not? I would appreciate if you could explain me briefly where I do stand?
Concerned Reader, DMS.

A. Bisexual describes a girl or a guy who is sexually attracted to both females and males, through not necessarily at the same time. Realizing you are bisexual can be a process that unfolds over time or it can happen suddenly, either in your teens or later in life. Being bisexual can mean many things including having same sex activities while fantasizing about the other sex; being in good sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex for many years then suddenly falling in love with someone of the same sex, or vice versa; or being sexually involved with members of both sexes over a period of years. Many people who experience bisexuality end up settling down for good in either a gay or straight relationship. Unfortunately, there are lots of people in the world who believe the same sex activities are immoral. Though many others believe this to be untrue, the negative attitudes of people around you can be hurtful. If you are confused about your sexual orientation but think you may be bisexual or gay, tell your feeling to some one you can trust. Talking about your sexual feeling does not mean you have to act on them, but it could help you to feel less isolated.